the quiet things no one's supposed to know
by littleSinsandSadlines
Summary: a series of one-shots about what people are afraid. pretty mature themes. pretty angst ridden! R&R PLEASE! what are you most afraid of?
1. Chapter 1

Merlin, I didn't even want to think about what my boggart was going to look like. Yes, I know my worst fear. But I know it looks different in every situation. And it often comes x rated.

I am afraid of love. Don't ask me why, because I'm telling you right now. You always hear about how The Boy Who Lived's parents died to save him and about how much love that must've taken. You never hear about what happened to my parents. Well why would you? They were two muggle loonies. And who cares about the blips on the radar? The tiny little misfits that screw up big time.

Yeah, I was born to two mentally ill drug addicts. But, they loved each other. That much was apparently evident. They would kill for each other. And that's what they did. Except, I think they screwed something up because when they both pulled the trigger, they left their one month old baby to fend for itself until someone caught the nasty scent coming from the Wesche's house. And that would probably take a while considering the fact that we lived in helliest part of hell. The nastiest of the slums. But, when you can't afford to pay rent _and_ buy your drugs you live where you can, don't you?

So yeah, both my parents committed suicide. In the same second, too. Like some sick demonstration of their love and devotion to each other. But, they didn't love me. They couldn't have. I was in the room with them and was starving by the time anyone found me. A little longer and I would have been dead. And thanks to the wonderful world of magic some wizard came up with a way to pull out memories you didn't even know you had. Memories, by law of science, you shouldn't have. So thanks to this arsehole I now have to see my parents kill themselves every time I close my eyes.

But I have to get to the point. So because of their "love" and lack thereof I almost died, I grew up without parents, I grew up having to figure out _why_ I didn't have parents, I grew up having to _explain_ that I didn't have parents. All because my parents bloody loved each other. They loved their addictions, their drugs. And so, my entire life I've never been loved and I have never loved in return. Foster families don't give a crap about you. Neither do psychiatrists.

Okay I'm starting to sound like a really horrid person. I'm sorry. I'm not. I just haven't experienced a lot of nice in my life. I don't have a reason to love. And I really don't want to wind up like my parents. So here I stand. I'm up next, and I'm trying to figure out how to make love funny. Maybe if its x rated I can bring out my muggle knowledge and have some fun with a mysterious series of red sores.

But I don't have enough time to think; I'm up now. The boggart shifts for a good 20 seconds. Probably trying to figure out what form is best to chose. Which one will hit closest to home? The monster shapes itself into three people and I'm the only one who's scared. There is a mother, a father, and a baby. They all look so happy. The mother is cradling the baby in her arms and the father is standing with his arms around the woman from behind. They're all smiling. The boggart-people and my classmates. The whole room is reverberating with love. My breathing speeds up.

_Think. THINK! _I plead silently with myself. "Riddikulus!" I finally get out. The scene changes and it appears as if the baby has thrown up on the parents. The love isn't so tangible now. My breathing is now damn near hyperventilation and I don't feel like facing anyone in this room. I turn and run to the back of the room, trying to make it to the door.

But, at the end of the line there's this girl. I've never really noticed her before. But, she's got my full attention now. She's balled up in what can only be described as a fetal position. Her head is between her legs and she is rocking back and forth. I can't help but crouch down next to her and wrap my arms around her. I whisper that I know how she feels in her ear and carry her out of the room. I'm more scared then I have ever been in my life.


	2. Chapter 2: myself

**(A.N. I totally forgot this last chapter!!! But this whole idea was brought on by voldemortperfumes!!! The stories she writes are amazing!!!!! (and I really hope I got the gender right!! If not I'm sorry!!! It's just guys seem like the minority and yeah I can't find anywhere that says that you're a guy or girl… and you kind of just sound girly!! So cross your fingers and hope she's a girl) WOW I RAMBLE! Just check her out!! Although most of what I read by her was TWILIGHT!!**

**I'm really proud of how fast I got this chapter up because I absolutely suck at updating!!!**

**Okay I have a thing for when people put lyrics before stories even if they're really random so here's me giving it a shot!!**

**And I'd give up forever just to touch you  
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now**

**And I don't want the world to see me  
Cuz I don't think that they understand  
Well everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am**

**IRIS- the goo goo dolls**

**Awesome song you should totally go listen to it RIGHT NOW!!!.. or maybe you should read…. Haha ok my sugar rush is over and I'm just going to leave you with this little tid bit!!! READ AND REVIEW AND WE CAN BE BESTIES FOR LIFE!! But it really won't work out if you talk like that (jk my friends) I love you all like a five dollar whore. And that wasn't demeaning at all!!!! Maybe the rush **_**wasn't**_** over….**

**DISCLAIMER!!! The only thing I own is the plot and my nameless characters cuz they aren't in the series!! Jk rowling is a god and I don't even begin to claim that im anywhere near her amazingness! (but here's where you say, "Well I don't know, Elizabeth!! You're pretty freakin awesome!!" and I say yes, I know. And don't worry you're aight too!!!)**

I'm the last one in line to face the boggart. Don't worry about pointing anything out; I know I'm a coward. But, you can't really change what you're afraid of. And I don't want anyone to know what I fear the most. Except, I have to think that I really do want them to know.

Most would say that I am really perceptive. I would say that I have way too much time to think. That and I can't make my bloody brain shut up. It's like there isn't an off button. Forget spiders and snakes and clowns; _that's_ scary! But, it's not my worst fear. Although, it has a lot to do with it.

To put in into really simple words, I'm afraid of myself, for myself. I'm afraid of what all my thinking will do to my brain. I'm afraid that I will just snap one day and want some peace and quiet. I'm afraid of what everything I know about myself and others, of human nature, will do to me.

I try my hardest not to lie. So my advice to you would be to take everything I say at face value. I'm probably not lying, unless the situation calls for it. Although, some of my ramblings may be misleading. See this is what you get when you're brain works too hard for too long. I'm too good at confusing other people. I'm too good at telling people what they want to hear. I'm too good at reading people and just knowing what is _really_ the truth. What's _really_ going on behind that mask. So know I'm some kind of insane teenage mind reader!

But I am getting way too far off topic. That rambling was only important to emphasis how crazy I am. So, my fear... I'm afraid that one day, I just won't want to hear any of it. I'm afraid that I am going to drive myself to the utter brink of sanity, nudge it all with my pinky, and go tumbling over the cliff that you just_ don't_ crawl back up.

Now that I'm half way through the line, I gather enough sanity to try and ask myself _what the hell is my boggart going to look like? _I really don't know how to answer that question. Wow, this is a new sensation. A problem that my otherworldly brain can't solve. I kind of like it. But, I don't like not knowing what all of my classmates are going to see. This fear could turn up a lot of freaky stuff.

How do I make being utterly nuts funny? I almost wish that I was afraid of some stupid spiders now. That's definitely easier to add humor to. I would like to clear something up right now because this is something that would really just add to my fear. Yes, I would be afraid if people thought this. I'm not suicidal. Yeah my brain gets on my nerves and I may joke around like any other person but I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to be that far gone. Especially if it's all because of myself.

Okay, I can put two and fifty together. And to me I just told myself something. I just spelled out what my boggart will shift into. It will have something to do with me killing myself, so now all I have to do is discover a way to make committing suicide funny. And, well there isn't _anything_ funny about it. My super-brain will come up with something. It _has_ to come up with something!

But it's too late; I don't have any more time to think. It's my turn. The boggart barely takes three seconds to shift. A kind of simultaneous gasp erupts from the onlookers when it does. I can't do much beside stare for a few seconds.

About four feet in front of me, another me sits there surrounded by every means of death possible. Muggle, wizard, and everything in between. Well, everything that would reasonably fit on and near a dormitory bed. The scene is spinning around and around, uncontrollably. It's really dizzying, and with every second it gets faster. Well, there's one way to show that I don't have a shred of sanity in my body.

But before I'm even conscious of making the decision, my wand raises and I wail, "Ridikulus!" the scene before me takes on a twistedly comical edge. I scream, "Wait! I've got an exam next period. If I'm going out, I might as well go out with a good grade!"

Everyone thinks I'm smart. They know that I get good grades. Hopefully this can be construed as funny. I don't look anywhere except straight down at the floor as I walk backwards. I slowly make my way out of the rom. When I get out o the room I turn the right way and run as fast as I can. I don't know where I'm going, but does it really matter?

**Okay I am soooo sorry about all of my ramblings above but it's kind of hilarious!! Like really, if you skipped over it before you should go back and read it!!**

**Okay I'm just going to steal a line from one of my favorite authors here on fanfcition and ask HIT OR MISS???????????? Plz tell me in a review and I will worship you like the devil!!!**

**Okay dudes I seriously need a beta!!!! If anyone's got any ideas let me know plz!!!!!!! I love you all my pretties!!! **


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